My very first manic episode...

I had my very first manic episode at like age six or so. I am not sure, all I know is that I was really little and it was either before I started school or when I was in first or second grade. My abusive father told me if I wanted to watch television, that I had to watch what everyone else was watching, and he wouldn't change it special for me just because I was too young to watch what was on the screen. Anyhow, the nightmare on elmstreet was what was playing, and I am afraid of horror movies, and don't watch them still. Well, I didn't watch it all. I covered my eyes when the really scarry parts were coming ahead. I knew where they were and when because the scarry music would play right before the monster came out. Anyhow, after that I would see freddie coming after me every night after I slept. I had bad scarry dreams for weeks on end. My dad and mom wouldn't let me sleep in their bed when I was little. They told me it was all inside my head, and made me go back in my bed. They didn't give me a night light or anything. And, a night light wouldn't even work because I was really scared. In my dreams, I would have night terrors off and on throughout my childhood. I would see a flaming devilish looking skull inside my head. It would dissappear as fast as it reappeared. Right after the night terror, I would hear this devilish evil laugh. Needless to say, my genes are genetic. I have been bipolar for as long as I can remember. I have been pretty terrified for most of my life. My medicine that I am taking right now, beats it back for the most part, and I can live normally, but I don't always live normally. My psychotic episodes come back when my medicine ceases to function.

Journey of a Manic Woman

I have had bad dreams, night terrors, visions, and voices as long as I can remember. I was also an abused child and an abused teen. However, my genes are genetic. My half brother who died from suicide was manic. I have an aunt and an uncle both on my mother's side who were manic. If I could describe how I lived, it would be like living in hell most of the time. I am constantly always on a watch, and am afraid most of the time. If I could stop this feeling, and heal others, I would do it in a heart beat. I would just try to find a way to keep my gorgeous creativity, which I doubt that we'd be able to still have it after our bipolar is gone. For those of you who don't know me, I am a manic princess. Thus the title of my blog : Journal of a Manic Depressive. I am a mother, a wife, and a woman, and sometimes I call myself the manic wife! lol! That's a running joke around here in this house. My husband is far from manic. He loves the un-predictability of my ways. He likes never knowing which way is up. Never knowing if I am going to be happy, sad, depressed, or manic. I love my manic highs! Especially, when I am really elated. If they were gone, I am not sure how I'd live my life, because I don't know what life would be like without them. I am entitled to dream aren't I?